Regardless of the outcome

I've been thinking things over, cause once I'm alone, my guilt feelings start to kick in, so I wanted to make absolutely sure they aren't justified in any way. Although I'm very good in the guilt trip, I do realise I shouldn't be going there this time. I've taken the blame (not always in public, but at least for myself) so many times for things that essentially weren't my fault, and now I'm just so through with it.

I realise very well it doesn't mean a fuck who's fault all this shit is. Regardless of the outcome, I'll probably never see him again anyway. The thought of that alone can literally make me feel sick to my stomach, but it's just the way it is. What can I do? I can take the blame once more, but that wouldn't make me happy. Maybe I should just try and get it to my fucking unwilling brains to convince myself that we are just not good for each other. I really should.

The problem is, every time I try to think of the bad things, and try to be angryy with him, the situation or even myself, I just go back to all the great times we've had, and I find myself sobbing around in a corner. I so want this to end, cause I know perfectly well it's no use whatsoever, but I just can't. I mean, just two days ago everything seemed fine, even though in the end I know it wasn't. I was probably trying to hard to make it work, but that was just because I wanted it to work so damn much. I can't believe it is finally over, cause there's nothing I want more in this world except for it not to be over.

So what can I do? I just don't have a goddamned clue. I know I shouldn't call him, and I won't. I know I should just try and get him out of my head, but I don't see how I should do that. Please, if anyone has any advice, let me know...