Letting go

I just got back from two days at my parents, which gave me lots of time to think the weekend over. I don't know wether or not I should be glad with that, but at least it shed some light on the subject.

I realise now that even though I love my ex-boyfriend still very much, we just cannot go on like this. These past three weeks have been somewhat of a mixed blessing, with me loving him to death, and being overjoyed to be with him, but at the same time, being all scared and back to where we once were. The thing is, as long as we don't feel the same way about how it has to be from now, we just can't be together at all. He knows I'm still crazy about him, so basically this means he can do anything, and I'll forgive him. I'm not saying that he's taking advantage of this knowledge, but the fact remains that I'm putting myself in a very vulnerable, and ultimately unhealthy position by letting him call all the shots.

So, no matter how difficult it is for me (and believe me, it is!), I need to find a way of letting him go, otherwise I'll drown myself in misery, and I just can't do that anymore. It's strange to think about next weekend. I was hoping we'd be having a good time somewhere in Groningen or Breda, but I guess this really is it and I'll never see him again. I'm sort of making my peace with it as we speak, and although I have to confess it's not all that yet, I'm getting there.