I don't know why

Of course I knew it was just a stupid shot in the wind. Of course I knew I wouldn't even stand a change. Of course I knew I wouldn't get any response... And still it hurts. I walked home after work actually being pretty scared, for I didn't know how Emiel would respond, but of course I should have known he wouldn't respond at all. I'm not mad at him... I'm just mad at myself for actually thinking I could make it all work out again.

What was I thinking? Why am I being such a goddamned positive guy thinking everything can work out? I should have known, right when I was typing my message, that it wouldn't be any use. Me being me I was so stupid to think I could actually make a difference. Guess again. I should have known. I should stop doing this.... Only thing is... I don't know why...