No lesson from the past

This evening I've been busy reading throught the archives of this site, which, I know now, wasn't the smartest thing to do. Being the compulsive feeling sorry for myself guy that I am, of course I went straight to june through december last year, which was, as you may recall, the time my ex boyfriend E. and I were together. Not a very good idea, I can tell you so much.

I've been doing this before, and you would have thought I'd learn something from it, but no no no, I just go and do it again, so now I'm feeling all sad and sorry for myself. The thing is, all the lovely, and not so lovely, memories are right here in my head, so I don't ever need to be afraid I'll forget about them, but actually reading me writing about it as it happened, is quite a different thing.

Reading stuff about our vacation, about our first date, about the first time he said he loved me... it's all just a bit surreal reading it back. Likewise, it's really strange reading back the stuff I wrote when we broke up. Back then I figured later on I could use it to feel good about myself later on, knowing it would be way past me. The thing is, it's almost a year ago now, and it's anything but way past me. Does that sound pathetic or what? I really wish I could say differently, but I can't. There's simply not a day passing by without me missing him for at least one moment.

My friend Ziena correctly tells me I should forget all about him, and he's bad news for me. I know she's right, but there's such a big difference between knowing someone's right and acting upon it. If there would be like a switch or something in my head I could turn off, I would probably do so immediately. In the meantime, I guess I just gonna have to deal with it, and accept the fact there's another holiday season coming up with me being alone.