Just a phase

I seem to be having some diffculties deciding what it is I actually want. You know, I've been thinking about the way I've been dealing with boyfriends, flings, one-night stands, the whole lot. The conclusion I came to, is that when I'm single, I want to be in a relationship, but as soon as something starts to look like a relationship, I back off and get spooked.

This is of course not new to me. After my breakup with R, back in 2003, I've been dealing with the same stuff for a couple of years (mind you!), so it's only logical I'm repeating that behaviour right now, since it's less than a year since E. and I broke up.

Still, you would thing a person would learn from his stupidities, wouldn't you? I actually know perfectly well how I react, and still I don't seem to be able to stop it, and just back off from guys in the first place. Rebound can be fun for just a while, but ultimately it's only a burden once you get to that point where you're actually ready to start over again. I have no idea when that point will happen for me. The last time I didn't even saw it coming, E. was just there and suddenly I knew I was ready for a new relationship. Will it be the same this time round? I don't know.

Fact is at the moment there are several guys I fancy, and of course that's not a good starting point in the first place. Luckily enough I don't seem to stand a chance with either one of them, so there's no risk of getting hurt or hurting someone else. Still, it would be nice to fall madly in love again, and who knows, maybe this is just a phase waiting to end?