Stupid enough to fall in love

Just five minutes ago I realised something: I wish I had never met my ex boyfriend. I know this sounds very harsh, and I want to explain.

I've had the best time with I could ever wish for. I've never been so in love, I've never been so happy as I've been with him, but looking back on it: if I knew it would be just for half a year and then this terrible pain and misery: I'd say no. You know, when you get to know someone, it's just all fun and games, but after a while you actually start to love someone, and then it gets scary, for if that other person for some reason or another suddenly decides to quit with it, you just don't have any other choice than to go along.

Now, imagine you get the opportunity to be madly in love and completely happy for half a year, and then you have to give it all up, knowing you'll drop into a deeper hole than you've ever been before. What would you do? Choose for that fantastic half a year and take all the side-effects afterwards for granted? I wish I could do that. From past experiences, I knew that from the moment E. and I really started to fall in love with each other, it was hazardous, and I really had to take caution not to fall into that same trap I always did. I knew that this time I couldn't afford myself in being a wrack anymore.

Well, I was stupid enough to fall into just that. And you know why? Because I was in love. I was in LOVE! I couldn't even imagine it ending all so suddenly, and I sure wasn't prepared for the way it all went, but regardless, it did. And now here I am on a Friday night, drowning myself in a bottle of wine and feeling more miserable than I ever felt before (which is so odd, since it has been over a month).

The only thing I can think of right now is, would I have done it when I knew how it would end? I think not. E., if you're reading this, it has nothing to do with you, I just think all the fun and love we have doesn't measure up to all the misery I'm feeling right now, and I just don't want this for myself anymore. I wish I never had met you. I wish I had never taking the time on that goddamned website to read your profile and respond. I wish I had never gone to Breda to meet you in real life. I wish I had never fallen in love with you. Cause look where it brought me....