The story so far

As promised, I decided to write a little bit about my breakup with E, which officially happened last week. I wasn't able to write about it earlier, because I didn't have a clue how to put down what I'm feeling right now.

E. called me to tell me he felt depressed and was having serious doubts about having a relationship at all (as opposed to having a relationship with me, basically all this has nothing to do with me). I tried my best to convince him to give it a go, but it was futile, resulting in us splitting apart. After that, we called a couple of times, and then last Saturday I decided to go to Breda so that we could at least have a chance to talk about it face to face.

I arrived, and basically we just cried for two days straight, so early afternoon on Sunday I drove back to Groningen. There was just nothing left to talk about, and we we're only making ourselves even less happy by talking about it all the time.

Last Monday and Thuesday we called again, and those talks were basically just about his feelings. You know, I can really go a long way with this, but in the end yesterday I decided that it would be masochistic to go on with this, since I'm feeling miserable as well, and I'm just not in the position to help him, while I'm a mess myself.

So, I asked him to stop contacting me at all, because the only thing it does when he calls, is that it gives me hope, which is just not a smart thing to do right now.

Now that all this has happened, I feel so totally unhappy. I obviously still love him so much, cause to me nothing has changed regarding my feelings for him. I don't think there's anything worse than loving someone and having that love unanswered, while you still remember vividly how happy you've been together. I'm mostly crying and feeling so sad, and I try so very much not to think about it, but I just can't help myself.