The letter

Somehow right now I feel as if fate has somewhat of a vengefull eye on me. The weirdest thing happened this weekend. You know how I'm really back into being so fucking emotional about my ex-boyfriend R., while I'm wishing my ex-boyfriend E. a very unpleasant death? Well, you wouldn't know what happened to me today.

My mother came over for the weekend, just for some shopping and watching movies and stuff, which was alltogether great. Then this afternoon, after the DVDs somewhat ran out (mind you, how can they with over a hundred DVDs in stock), we decided to go watch a video. Since DVD players are the thing to go with, I haven't really watched any of my video's anymore, so naturally they came with loads of dust.

Unfortunately, they came with something else as well. When R. and I were three months together (which was, coincidentially also my birthday), he wrote me this really sweet letter, telling me how much he loved me and how he always wanted the two of us to stay together. The letter in itself is something I can really get emotionally on, both back then and now as well.

Anyway, I've been searching my house for hours a couple of years ago to find it, and I really feared I threw it away accidentially. And there it was, between two video sleeves it just fell out, and I just instantly knew what it was. At first, my mother being there, I was afraid to open it, since I knew what kind of reaction it would trigger, but I was also to excited to not read it, and so I did.

It's just too fantastic. I don't recall ever recieving such a great letter from anyone. The way he described how he felt about me, is just exactly the way I felt about him back then, and basically still the way I feel about him right now. It's really painfull to read frases going on and on about how we should always be together, knowing that it didn't exactly work out that way, but then again, who am I to complain about being loved SO much.

The freaky thing about all this though, is why is this happening now? After years of silence I finally opened up to him, telling him how I feel about him and how much I still love him, and now, somewhat out of the blue, this letter pops up.... Is this some kind of punishment over me for being such a bastard when we ended our relationship, or is it really just a very unlucky coincedence? I'm reading this letter over and over and over again, and I just can't help but wonder I deserve it to feel so fucked up about it right now.

I guess I just really need to get over all this, but things like this aren't exactly helping me, as I'm sitting here crying now, and knowing upfront this will not be a good night sleep ahead of me.